Saturday, January 18, 2014

Reading reviews on Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag

I got a link for

Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag


and read the reviews left by some traumatized people and here are some of there stories . . . 


 Child birth, Kidney Stones, and Gummi Bears., January 17, 2014
This review is from: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)
I picked up a bag of these innocent looking delights on my way home one day. I saw them and thought, “You mean to tell me that I can enjoy handfuls of precious gummi goodness and not worry about fat or calories?? It sounds too good to be true.” And it was, my friends. It was. I am pretty sure that in the inner depths of hell, the only food they give you are these rubbery little vials of evil.

I ate at least 30 of these cuddly little hell-beasts on my 20 minute ride home. Before I knew it, my innards had been pumped full of noxious air leading me to believe that I was somehow going to burst open like a gas station condom. But relief was nowhere in sight. My abdomen began unleashing groans that could summons the cracken out of the sea. But those sounds paled in comparison to the barbaric torrents of seething hot octane wind that began erupting as my stomach began to lose pressure. My agony gave way to relief as I decompressed, albeit under a toxic mushroom cloud of condensed gelatinous vapor. It was that moment that I regretted not having properly prepared for a doomsday such as this. I had no gas mask and no emergency oxygen source. It is 5 years later and the hair on the inside of my nose has yet to grow back.

My relief was short lived as within 10 minutes by body began to spew forth a substance that made the pea soup vomit from The Exorcist forth look like sweet honey and nectar. The agony I endured as I released this stream of piping hot rainbow-colored lava made me wish that Kathy Bates would kidnap me and break my ankles with a sledgehammer to somehow distract me from the pain. I heard they are remaking the movie “Misery” and only using these innocuous looking intestine-destroying demon bears."
 Do not eat before bedtime!, January 17, 2014
This review is from: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)
As a 39 yo adult, it has been a very long time since I've had an accident while asleep. I partook of this gelatin goodness while watching a TV show with my wife before falling asleep. I awoke about 1 hour later in a muddy mess. My poor wife and I covered in poop. Thank goodness we have a mattress protector! I woke up probably within 1 minute, but couldn't hold it in on the way to the bathroom. A trail of my rotten insides all over the bedroom, hallway, and bathroom floors.

The next day my kids thought an animal died in the house somewhere. Needless to say we had to throw away all the bedding and get the carpets cleaned professionally. Of course I told the carpet cleaning man that one of my children had diarrhea.

So I say don't eat before bedtime, but really do not eat ever. I would not wish this explosive diarrhea on my worse enemy.?"
 Ode to the gummy bear, January 17, 2014
This review is from: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)
stomach cramping, can't hardly move....

on the toilet, seated in the grove.

Blowing chunks out of my bunghole

when will it stop? when will I get off this porcelain bowl?

I cannot stop my rear from spewing

Not even a cork in it will be it's undoing

I hope something will work, maybe prayers

God help me, I will never eat any more sugar free gummy bears....

-James Wright
 Excellent Constipation Remedy, January 17, 2014
C. Irey "Rosietheriviter" (Minneapolis, MN United States) - See all my reviews
This review is from: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)
I love Sushi and Chinese food but rice tends to plug me up like I have eaten a bag of quick set concrete. I saw these reviewed and thought they may work much better than the standard remedies on the market and are probably much more tasty. A bottle of magnesium citrate works, but the taste is terrible. I ordered them and had to go out of town on business. Traveling always makes me constipated. Too many burgers, not enough veggies, well I was plugged up solid when I got home. Nothing was going to travel thru my dammed up colon. I picked up my gummies and counted out 12. I ate them and drank a glass of water. I heard a bit of rumbling in my tummy and thought...good. One hour later, no gas, no pooping water thru a straw. I dosed out 12 more gummies and had another glass of water. They are quite delicious. I would rank them as the best tasting constipation remedy ever. About 45 minutes later I felt "the urge" and as they say "everything came out ok". I feel great now! At 4 hours I did have a bit of loose poo, but I think it was my body giving the "oh my god we can finally get this out". No cramps, no gas, no discomfort. I think I probably lost 15 pounds. I am keeping them in my medicine cabinet with a skull and crossbones on them to warn off any guests or normal people who don't get regularly constipated. I suggested them to a friend who is going to try them for the same reason and I think my mom will love them as an alternative to the disgusting over the counter stuff we have all choked down. YUMMY POO BEARS! Eat in moderation, even if you are blocked up with bricks up your butt.
Get yours TODAY!!! 

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